Hold It Up

I'm having an existential crisis. I think.

Actually, I have only a vague idea what the word "existential" means but I'm pretty certain I'm using it correctly and I'm absolutely certain it's making me sound smarter. You're impressed, aren't you?

So today for my lunch break I decided to take a walk because my mother gave me her issue of Health magazine and in it it said that for that mid-afternoon energy slump you should take a walk. For those of you who've seen my office building, you know it's in the middle of nowhere and so it was a rather relaxing walk.

My thoughts were racing as I shuffled aimlessly down the road. They spread from "What the hell is my ex/current/who-knows-what-the-hell-he-is/boyfriend thinking?" to "What do I want to do with my life?" Yeah. I'm totally a deep-thinker, y'all. Anyway.

So I realized I'm really not that happy at my job anymore. I've been there for two years, and I feel sort of like I've grown as much as I can. I've already been told that I'll probably never become an account rep or an account rep's assistant because I'm female. Yeah, I know, it sounds sexist, but the reality is it saves my company money and HR concerns if they promote mainly men. Not a big deal, right?



So. Established: I'm ready for a new job. Then I thought, I don't even know what I'm going to school for. I mean, yeah, I know I'm most likely majoring in linguistics, and doing that so I can travel, but really, is that what I want to do? I need to find the perfect major. I need to find a new job. I need to know what I want to do for my career. I hate feeling directionless. I need to do something and I need to do something that matters. Also, I need more money.



Then I realized what I at least want to do with my summer: I'm going to rediscover myself. You can never know yourself too thoroughly, right? And what if I discover I'm a cooler person than I thought? I'm running the risk of discovering I'm even more loser-ish than I thought, but that's not a bad risk to take, I'm thinking. So I'm going to start a new hobby. And I'm not going to wait around for a certain someone to call me and ask me to hang out, regardless of whether or not he is my boyfriend, because he's sort of acting like he wants to be just friends again and this whole "Let's try again and see where it goes" thing was his idea and has lasted only two weeks and I am SO PISSED OFF. And I'm going to save money. I'm going to save like there's no tomorrow, with specific goals in mind.

So, here's a list of Summer Goals:

1. Find a new job.
2. Save, save, save!
3. Know thyself.
4. Start a new hobby.
5. Eat and act healthier.
6. Rock the freaking world.
7. To hell with anyone who says me nay.


P.S. I totally used "existential crisis" correctly. Check out this definition from Wikipedia: "An existential crisis is a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of his or her life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value.^[1] This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism."

As my good buddy Ryan would say, "Boo YAH!"

Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

So have you ever read that list of things guys should know about girls? And have you ever noticed it just makes you more lonely when you read it? Especially if you're all alone in your apartment because your roommate is over at a boy's house (or rather, the house of two boys) and you're too afraid to go over because you may or may not have been stupid enough to cuddle with one of them during a movie. Uck. I think cuddling is something that can be done between friends, but apparently others don't feel the same way.

You know, I only really care about one person's interpretation of cuddling. And I really shouldn't. It's a lot easier to exist when you aren't pining. Not that I'm pining. I'm totally not. Right?

So, let me tell you a completely hypothetical story. Remember: completely hypothetical. I'm going to attempt to tap the hypothetical honesty in me. It might be kind of difficult, because I've just downed a large Dr. Pepper and I am definitely listening to the Backstreet Boys right now ... ha ha. Anyway, here goes:

I have a friend. This friend dated a boy for a few months and he broke up with her. You know that rule about not contacting an ex for like 60 days after the breakup? She totally kept it. (Aside--it's a good thing boy bands don't really exist anymore; these Backstreet Boys make me want to slash my wrists. Uck.) She kept it and eventually reconnected with her ex on a level that was totally platonic and not really awkward. But this hypothetical ex started acting like he was interested in her again. Granted, he is hypothetically a really flirty person, but he doesn't really hypothetically flirt the way he was flirting with her. It may or may not have reminded her of the way he would act when they were starting to date. Well anyway, the hypothetical ex began talking to her more often and seeing her more often and eventually they may or may not have cuddled during Pan's Labyrinth. Hypothetically, of course. And this is all after the ex hypothetically invited her to a church activity with him and basically hung out with her one-on-one all evening. He showed her music and taught her how to play the drums and took like a kadillion pics with her, even held her hand. Hypothetically.

So my advice to this friend would be to ignore him if at all possible. Be careful, because she just might get her heart shattered again. She needs to ignore her feelings for him, because that way they can't get any stronger and will hopefully fade into pure friendship. It's just going to get too, too complicated if she lets herself fall back in love with him. Her roommate has told me that this hypothetical ex is not good enough for her. But this friend is having a tough time tonight. Probably because she's a girl. Girls are like that.